Crazy
by Crope
Summary: Musings over insanity and love.


I dunno. I was reading somewhere about Hidekazu saying that Russia has completely lost his mind, and that he doesn't really mean to be cruel, sometimes not even realizing his own cruelty. So, my mind birthed this.

I own nothing.

* * *

"There is Katyusha. Natalya. Eduard, Raivis, Yao."

"Ivan? Wh-what are you talking about?" I stammer, standing in the doorway to his room. He is the only one there.

"And Toris. Ah, my little Toris. He is such a pretty one, da? You must know this, you have seen him. Those pretty eyes, that soft hair. Pale skin. Oh, the noises his makes, too. Everything about him is so pretty.

"Except for his desires. He always wanted to leave me, and that is very unattractive. I do like the spirit, but he is mine. I love him.

"Aha! I can see that you do not believe me. Do you not believe that I can love? You think that it is not true when I say it. That from my mouth, 'love' is just another word. But I do. I love my little pigeon Toris. He flap and flaps his delicate wings to get away, but why should I let him? His cage is big and shiny, and I am here. He will be happier with me. Yes, much happier.

"Do not look at me that way, of course he will be happier with me. All will be happy here, but Toris most of all. He is my favorite, he deserves special treatment.

"I am _not_ crazy. Not today, not today. Is it crazy to think that all will be with me? We will a big happy family, and Toris will no longer want to run. There will be nowhere to run to anyways. Toris will stay by side in the warmth. He will make it warm.

"Must you treat me as an asylum patient? I am nothing of the sort. I am not crazy, I have told you this. I am NOT CRAZY. I AM NOT INSANE.

"...not today, I am not. Other days, perhaps I do take leaps off the end, but who doesn't? I think on those days, I do things that hurt my little Toris. I never mean to hurt him, but when I return from where ever my mind has gone, he is injured. Bleeding and crying, and more scared of me than ever. More determined to leave than ever.

"I've done horrible things. I just try to make him see that I love him, that I want him to stay with me. He makes me feel warm. My heart actually beats and I get a funny little feeling in my stomach. No one else does that to me.

"How do I make him understand? How do I tell him that while sane, I love him, when all he sees is whatever I become in my lapses? All he sees is some sort of tormentor, a monster who wants to hurt him.

"I DO NOT WANT THAT! I want him HAPPY AND SAFE! I WANT HIM TO SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM AND LOVE ME IN RETURN!

"I want him."

He falls silent. His words tumble through my mind and I feel nauseous. I slowly make my way to him. "Ivan?"

He turns to me. It takes him a moment to realize I stand by him. Carefully choosing my words, I ask "Uhm, who...who were you talking to?"

"I wasn't talking to anyone. I was just thinking about the meeting later." He says, eyes bright. A large hand presses to my forehead. He lookes at me as if I were the crazy one. "All was silent, Toris."

"I...must have been hearing things." I play along. Does he really not realize he was talking? Who had he though he had been talking to? My nausea worsens. All I want to do is run. But you don't leave an insane person alone...especially when they were just telling someone, or no one, that they love you.

He can't possibly love me. Can't possibly...crazy people...

Ivan stands and takes my arm, with a bit more force than is needed. "Maybe you should get some rest. Come, I will bring you to your room so you can sleep."

I allow myself to be led down the hall by the larger country. Ah, sweet Ivan now. The Ivan that I think I could handle living with. If it wasn't for all of the others.

He makes me get in the bed, checks that I am comfortable, and tucks the blankets about me too tightly. Stroking my hair with a large hand, he mutters a song under his breath. I recognize it as the end of a traditional Russian lullaby.

Стану я тоской томиться,  
Безутешно ждать;  
Стану целый день молиться,  
По ночам гадать;  
Стану думать, что скучаешь  
Ты в чужом краю...  
Спи ж, пока забот не знаешь,  
Баюшки-баю.

Дам тебе я на дорогу  
Образок святой:  
Ты его, моляся богу,  
Ставь перед собой;  
Да, готовясь в бой опасный,  
Помни Иван свою...  
Спи, младенец мой прекрасный,  
Баюшки-баю

I pretend to fall sleep. He brushes cold lips against my cheek and whispers to me. "Can a crazy person love, my little Toris?"

* * *

A/N -

English translation of the lullaby:

I will die from longing,  
I will wait inconsolably,  
I will pray the whole day long,  
And at night I'll tell fortunes  
I will think that you are in trouble  
Far away in a foreign land.  
Sleep now, as long as you don't know sorrows,  
Bayushki bayu.

I will give you on your way  
A small holy icon,  
And when you pray to God, you'll  
Put it right in front of you  
When preparing yourself for the dangerous fight  
Please remember your mother.  
Sleep, good boy, my beautiful,  
Bayushki bayu.

Except when Russia sings it, he replaces "please remember your mother" with "please remember your Ivan."

I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
